Behind the scenes: Food from Hell
by Chibijanai
Summary: Stories on the stuff that Elsie cooks, their possible side effects on Keima and the consequences of the side effects. Of course, there will be made up food as well as food from the original story. Follows canon as closely as possible.
1. Pescatore Styx

I captured my first runaway spirit yesterday and it feels so good to know that even I, the dunce of my class can finally be useful. It's such a great honour to be in the runaway spirit that's so hard to get into and work as Kami-sama's partner. I'm just a demon who was stuck on cleaning duties for 300 years and it still seems unreal. Even though Kami-sama didn't want to get into this contract, I think he did really well. Of course, I think I did quite well too, assisting with making and putting up the banners, flags and advertisement balloons although I feel that Kami-sama thinks otherwise. Anyway, I'm delivering my runaway spirit to Hell in person because Dokuro Skull said that all the paperwork was ready for me to live with Kami-sama and I had to collect them and be briefed on the rules in the human world. Coming to Hell also gives me a excuse to go fishing in the River Styx so that I can one day, cook for him and prove that I'm not totally useless, I excel in cooking and cleaning after all. I finally got to Dokuro's office so I knocked on the door and went in.

"Elsie, did you get me the Billy Blanks DVD that I asked for?" he asked right off the bat.

"Ah, I'm so sorry but I completely forgot!" I apologised frantically.

"Well, it's not like I didn't expect that to happen." he sighed, "Right, back to business!" he then snapped.

I stood to attention.

"I've got the paperwork sorted so you'll be enrolling into the same class as your buddy starting from tomorrow as his sister, you got that?" he looked at me straight in the eye.

"Yes!" I shouted loudly causing Dokuro to wince, I wonder if he's starting to regret having me in the runaway spirit squad.

He sighed, producing an envelope from a drawer and gave it to me.

"When you see your buddy's mother, introduce yourself as her husband's illegitimate daughter and give her that letter." Chief Dokuro told me, "It should help you become part of the family."

Although I was not too sure what illegitimate meant, it must be alright if I can become part of the family. After that, he briefed me on human etiquette, stuff I shouldn't do in the human world and gave me the school uniform.

"I'll do my best!" I exclaimed and I think he looked at me with exasperation but I guess that's to be expected.

After all, I was only a janitor until recently and a rather dumb one at that. Still, I left with high spirits and I flew to the River Styx (which is a saltwater river... however that works since I didn't understand the geography lessons) with my handmade fishing rod. There's so much fish there that it doesn't matter how well the rod has been made. Being able to fly is so convenient and I got there quickly. After fishing for just forty minutes, I had plenty of fish and had picked up a few clams, mussels and riverweed from the river bank. Since I had time, I went to my friend's house to check up on her mum since my friend also works in the spirit capture squad now. We ended up talking much about cooking and little else. She gave me lots of food for living in the human world like: eggs, sugar, lettuce, cheese and pretty much everything that she had extra of. Gosh, she's so kind! I left and realised that it was almost morning in the human world so I took off. Get ready, you evil spirits!

...

I hate reality. Now that that's been clarified, I think I don't need to tell you how much I loathe the current situation. Although there may be many people who wish for a fantasy situation, I am definitely not one of them. Especially if it reeks of the flaws of reality. If I was able to choose, I'd rather dive into the 2D world myself and never return to the stupid reality which has effectively separated my beloved heroines from me with a mere screen. A screen that I could not break lest I could be truly separated from her utterly and forever. After that cursed week, I thought that that was the end and good riddance to that idiot of a demon but she's transferred into my class as my so-called 'sister', torn my family apart and bitten my finger. In short, causing me grief everywhere I go. I know being bitten on the finger doesn't seem like a big deal but it's bloody painful and now I can't press the L button without wincing each time. It slows down my gaming intolerably. It seems that mum's cooking, I think I can smell something coming from downstairs. Well, that means I don't need to worry and I can play my games in peace. I just hope this is not one of those 'calm before a storm' moments.

...

Since mum has gone to speak with someone called a 'lawyer' or something, I've decided to take the initiative and cook my first meal for Kami-sama. It seems that there are some humans in the human world who are quite scary too but maybe, that's actually normal. But it seemed that even Kami-sama was rather taken aback by mum's ruthlessness... oh well, what I need to do now is concentrate on cooking.

I cut the elathosquid into lots of thin strands and put them in water to boil with the shryuu and wait for the squid strands to go yellow.

Then I've got to bake the clams and mussels with the urigoan cheese until they start popping open.

After that, I fry the blithish with the seaweed.

Once I had all of that done, I decided to take a look in all the cupboards in the kitchen because I found that I was missing tomato. There were cutlery, bowls, dishes and utensils and I finally checked the cupboard at the corner of the kitchen and I found it was a cold food cupboard. I found some things familiar and others completely alien to me but I couldn't find anything that looked remotely like tomato so I decided to try everything. After all, I could put it all back to its original form with my hagoromo and if you think that its unhygienic, don't worry because I take every measure that nothing is contaminated. I feel so proud being able to use complicated words like that. Anyway, I found something called 'baked beans' and it tasted like it was going to be a good fit into my recipe and I used it to replace the tomato.

Okay then, now I'm supposed to finish it off by stir frying it all together until a little after a burst of red flame comes. I think it was something like if it explodes, then I've overcooked it... I better not because Kami-sama probably won't be too happy.

...

Why did I not see this coming? Why was I so careless to not think that she had more tricks up her sleeve? As of now, I found myself bound to the chair with her hagoromo while she went into the kitchen to get something. I'm assuming it's my ticket to Hell.

"What the Hell have you tied me up for? Dammit, I know this development. I bet you're going to serve me some horrible and utterly inedible food. Is it pasta, or maybe curry? Oi! What..." I trailed off as she brought out a dish which contained something that I absolutely did not want to see.

"Wow, you're definitely worthy of being a God." the bugged demon shoved the plate onto the tabletop, "Tada! Pescatore Styx!" she said with a flourish.

I was horrified to see that whatever it was, it looked far worse than the stuff in the standard 'disgusting food' menu.

"You know, I caught the fish fresh from the River Styx this morning and they're twice as tasty as the fish from this world... at least that what my friends have told me."

"I don't care what your friends have said, this _thing _looks fifty thousand times worse. Unbind me now!"

"I put all my heart into this to prove that I'm not useless," she said passionately, "please try it."

I'm sorry but you've already proved tha... what? I became alarmed as the hagoromo forced my mouth open and tilted my head back. She definitely wasn't going to give me any chances. I squirmed around but it was as fruitless as my dream to break away from the chains of reality. Dammit, why does my life end in the hands of reality's latest form of torture. I felt the stuff slide into my mouth and... actually, to say that I was surprised was an understatement. Yes, the texture of the food was somewhat doubtful (slithery with grains of what must be sand), but I have to say that the taste was extraordinarily good. Actually, it was a bit too slippery and most of it practically went straight down my gullet. And sure, I didn't choke but the chest pain afterwards was bordering unbearable.

"You bugged demon!" I shouted as the hagoromo finally loosened from around my body, "What did I do to you to deserve this sort of treatment?"

Although the hagoromo had loosened, it wasn't sufficient enough for me to escape and run for a glass of water. Besides, the demon was in the way.

"Uuu~, but you seemed like you wouldn't eat it unless I forced you to." she said unhappily. Her voice immediately changed, becoming hopeful; "But it was good right?"

As much as I wanted to say that her cooking skills were absolutely hopeless and she wouldn't be able to achieve even a barely edible standard. The fact to the matter was, it was simply delic... no, it was just good. If she hadn't poured it into my mouth like that, it would've taken eons to eat and the texture wasn't appetising at all.

"It's good, but it was also horrible." I said.

...

Truth be told, I was incredibly nervous when I served that to Kami-nii-sama. I think I kept making mistakes and I'm glad that my hagoromo didn't tie him up so tight that it broke his bones. that would be terrible. I feel so happy that he's sort of praised me for the first time though I do feel a little anxious about the food. I had no idea whether it was going to work out with the 'baked beans' thing and the flame had whooshed up in a yellow colour. I didn't know whether there was going to be anything else that would be unpredictable like getting overcooked too early so I took it off the fire straight away. I hope it isn't going to cause any trouble...

...

I am NOT going to eat anymore of her stuff. It looks disgusting and barely cooked, goes down your throat much too eagerly and what's more, it has side effects. In this instance, diarrhoea.

"Argh! My stomach hurts so much! It must have been that terrible pasta from before. How many more things are you willing to destroy before you're happy?" I screamed at her from inside the toilet.

From outside, I could hear the muffled calls of 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!' and I didn't understand why she just wouldn't do anything right even though she would have to apologise so much a in the end. When you give airheads any amount of power, they will always exploit it in some way to create magnitudinal trouble and _she_ cannot be compared to anyone. I mean, who's heard of a broom that can blow a building straight into oblivion with a single sweep? I guess no-one. Argh God, this is so crap. I sure as heck hope that she won't make anymore mess tonight.

...

I may have jinxed myself rather too badly. I can't believe this has happened but if my eyes aren't deceiving me, I think that that is my PFP _soaking wet_ dangling in front of me as if mocking this turn in my life after I'd made the mistake of simply clicking the 'reply' button.

"You washed it with water?" I asked hollowly still not entirely to grips with everything.

"Not only that, I also used soap!" Elsie replied happily, passing me the dead console and probably ruined game inside.

I looked in disbelief as it slipped straight out of my hands and landed hard on the floor, cracking the screen. As everything reluctantly pieced itself together in my head, disbelief turned into white hot fury which threatened me to attack the girl standing in front of me who still hadn't processed the fact that she'd done anything wrong and was still smiling. I took a deep breath.

"On second thoughts, I'm never going to accept you as my little sister so GET OUT!"

Typically, mum arrived home at that time... through the broken wall.

"Keima, what the heck has happened? Part of the neighbourhood is in ruins!" I heard her shout.

I glared at Elsie who was rather shocked, shoved the PFP into my pocket and walked out to greet my mum lest she leashes her full anger upon me. That was the thought I had before I saw her looking at something in the kitchen skeptically. I immediately deducted as to what it was as I saw her raise a fork of spaghetti to her mouth.

"Don't eat it!" I shouted, pouncing towards the fork and tried to snatch it from her hand...

Which resulted in terrible consequences as I felt something slither down my throat for the second time that night.

I repeat, I will never eat food from Hell again.


	2. The threat of Hellish things

A.N: Some of you might ask, just why have I uploaded anything after supposedly abandoning my carefully concocted plans for this fic for almost a year which incidentally is only a chapter of retelling a sliver of an already told story and basically means that it wasn't really worth reviewing. Boredom. It can do many things to your (not so) empty schedule. But rather than spending it writing, all I did was dust off what has been sitting in my computer. I think that with my spontaneous plans lost and just forgetting the art of writing the next scene, this is possibly updated for the sake of annoying people by sliding this up to the top. Gosh, I am immensely childish. But enjoy! Otherwise there'd be no point of you guys checking this out!

**Disclaimer: I suspect this was more appropriate for the 1st chapter but, I don't own The World God Only Knows and I don't own School Days, even if it's just a passing comment. It applies for this fic in general because if I ever decide that it's worth updating again, I don't want to tediously type out disclaimers over and over. Oh, and Wakaki doesn't own School Days either, though I'm sure he clarified it at some point in his life anyway so let's just get in with it.**

* * *

><p>I don't get how Kami-nii-sama thinks that Mio's easy to capture but he's Kami so it probably is anyway. He's so great, I mean he looked like one of the samurai that we learnt about in Japanese culture back in Hell, nin nin! Actually, that's a ninja isn't it? Anyway, Kami-nii-sama said something about being a chauffeur so I should probably cook something appropriate but what should I cook? Oh well, it'll probably come to me at some point. Now, I should assist Kami-nii-sama to the best of my ability.<p>

**...**

"Hey, mum." I said over the dining table during breakfast, "Can I borrow your bicycle?"

It seems that she was slightly shocked and stared at me... as if I was a specimen to be goggled at. I think she might have had some trouble processing what I said. Is it really that big a deal? The situations where the protagonist cycle with the heroine are pretty commonplace.

"Can I borrow your bicycle?" I asked again.

When her expression changed to that of eagerness, I immediately knew that I'd made a mistake and should've just taken off at the first opportunity. On hindsight, there was never 'the first opportunity' to begin with.

"You're a man! What do you need a bicycle for?" she growled taking off her glasses.

Scrap the negotiation tactics, I've got to run! Even as she grabbed me by the collar and dragged me out of the room. I think I was still pressing the A button to escape in my mind. That's why I hate reality, why must it never obey to my commands when I want it to. Before I knew it, mum had arrived at the garage where she kept a motorbike which she'd spend hours polishing on some days.

"This is more like it." as she plonked me on its dual saddle and I dizzily tried to recover.

She scrutinised me for a while and said; "You look too lanky on that, I think I'd better train you up."

Hearing this means that I'm probably not in a good situation and I knew I had to get out of this. After considering my options, I decided to go for the simplest and safest option. I just needed her to wait until she started blabbering on about the old days when she was Yuki Onna in her bike gang and I could just wheel out with the bicycle and that would be it. Simple tactics can work but rubbish tactics won't. Of course, it was exactly as I'd predicted... not that there was much to predict.

**...**

"Why didn't you get that thing that Morita was driving yesterday?" I asked Kami-nii-sama.

It seems that Kami-nii-sama got himself a bike... I thought he was going to drive that thing Morita was driving yesterday, but it seems he's bothered with something called a... 'drivelling sense'.

"Don't be stupid, I haven't bothered to get a driving licence; I'm not wasting any money when it could be used for buying games and how am I supposed to get a car and a licence in a single morning?" he said having already immersed himself in his PFP.

"Well, you should have told me if you wanted to get one." I said as I propped the bike against the wall and worked my hagoromo magic. If I remember correctly, it looked a bit like this... In a flash of pixies (or whatever the company called it) the 'car' was made.

"Kami-nii-sama! I've made a car!" I shouted enthusiastically, this was so exciting!

Kami-nii-sama was very surprised to see the 'car' thing as he turned around but it seemed that he wasn't very interested in it and started to walk away.

"Kami-nii-sama, I guarantee that this works!" I called after him.

It may seem that he was thinking about it for a while and in the end, did come back to look at it.

**...**

Well, it seems that she made a pretty good job of this, the outside appearance of it looks exactly like a car. I opened the door which seems to be...

"What's with the seats? They look a bit... slimy." I said questioningly as I continued to stare at it for a while... wait, did it _move_ just then?

"Well, I've only seen a car from the outside so I have absolutely no idea what the interior is supposed to look like." Elsie replied with an enthusiastic smile on her face, "But it's a pretty close resemblance, right?"

Well, I had to admit that somehow, she'd got the layout roughly right but the material are just... just why are there so many _eyes_ all over the place?

I felt something wet and slippery wind around my wrist. Slowly, my head turn to acknowledge something that looked something like a snake. I screamed.

"What the Hell is this?" I flung my arms wildly stumbling away from the so called car and somehow, successfully dislodged the _thing_ from around my arm.

"Ah, they're baby wassfidos, umm, basically baby water dragons." she answered nonchalantly with that annoyingly ignorant smile plastered to her face.

"I don't care! Just get this so called 'car' outta my sight!" I yelled.

"What? But you get a comfy ride and you don't even have to drive it." Elsie went around and opened the 'boot', "Look, I got some strong minaurochs to help you drive it."

"NO! Just get it out of my sight and anyway, why is it just made of these hellish _things_?" I demanded.

"What? They're prized ingredients! They're really good and tame you know." Elsie said.

Somehow, it seemed that Elsie was more of a demon than she had made out to be... not that I forgot what had happened on that terrible night which was filled with memories of general bowel pain. Just who is she going feed this stuff to? I sure as Hell won't let her get that stuff near me ever again. Right, I'm going.

I took the bike and left the mini sized hell full of... ingredients behind me. I will never trust her stuff again. I'll probably arrive just in time if I walk to Mio's house. Even though it took quite a while to get past that bug, I did leave earlier so it shouldn't be a problem. Why on Earth do I have to go along with this crappy game in reality? The more I try to ignore it the more it clings onto me. One day, I'll definitely break free from the curse of reality.

A wasabido or whatever almost strangled me to death.

Damn you.

**...**

"Hmph, That quitter. I'll maintain a wealthy lifestyle even if I have to do it myself." our second capture target, Mio spoke to herself.

Her attention turned to her shoes and she wore a look of concern.

"Kami-sama, when are you going to talk to her? You've been waiting for a while already." I asked him with concern of my own, "You've been waiting for quite a while."

He ignored me and continued to stare at Mio. I sighed and then he took me by surprise as he suddenly spoke.

"Elsie, remember that timing is everything." then he left the hiding place without so much as a backward glance.

"Allow me to take you to school."

I guess that's Kami-sama for you, he's so dependable when it comes to the job even though most of the stuff he says makes little sense... or maybe it's just me.

Since I was quite wrapped up in my thoughts, I guess I was surprised, almost shocked when I suddenly heard a yelp. In the next moment Mio was on the ground picking up the bread from yesterday. Kami-nii-sama wouldn't do something as terrible as to push her over would he? Ah man, I really should've paid attention, I have no idea what's going on!

"You won't be able to walk too well in those shoes. Now, please get on the bicycle." he replied as if he didn't notice the plight which Mio was in.

A gentleman should be helping at this moment. Right?

"I refuse to ride that cheap piece of junk!" Mio yelled back at him.

I looked thoughtfully at the bike in question. Okay, here goes... TADA! I guess this carriage will do for now. I hope Mio will accept it.

Mio did get on after a little bit of talking. I did a good job didn't I Kami-sama! He will praise me for that, right?

…

"Are you okay, Kami-sama?" I asked him worriedly as he slumped lifelessly over the front of the bicycle.

"This conquest will take a lot of stamina." he panted.

With a lot of effort, he got off the bike and told me to make the carriage disappear after taking it out of sight. I did just that, propped the bike on the wall and left for class.

"Hey Elsie," he panted as he struggled up to me, "you do know that we need to lock it up right?"

I didn't know what he was talking about.

"Don't we just leave it here and then pick it up afterwards?" I asked.

"Well that's unless you make it invisible or do you want to find it stolen afterwards." he replied wryly.

"Oh, okay." and I turned it invisible, it seems that there are mean people who like to steal here as well.

"Are you really going to keep that up through the whole day?" he asked in exasperation.

"I'm going to try my best!" I said enthusiastically.

I don't think Kami-nii-sama was entirely convinced but he did leave after that. It seems that Kami-nii-sama is really tired from all of that hard work. I need to reward him somehow and prove to him I do care... I have an idea! Minotaur stew would be great and it's fresh from hell. Plus, he must've been impressed when I showed them to him at the 'car'. He even praised our culture! Anyway, it's supposed to strengthen those things called muscles, I think I learnt that in Biology, they're supposed to make you move. Kami-nii-sama, I've been useless before but this time, I'll definitely do it right. Be prepared for my legendary cooking skills...

"Hey, Elsie." he looked at me critically, "Don't get any funny ideas just because I've got my guard down now." he seemed pretty serious.

Ahaha, even though he's still tired from the pedalling, he's still Kami. He deserves to eat the food that I put my heart into. After the Pescatore Styx, I'm definitely not going to disappoint this time.

**...**

I don't get her. You'd assume that a demon posing as a human on earth would've done more research... No wait, she has; just not in the right era. That's it. So now she's just taking every sarcastic comment at face value. It's not that I mind her turning my dad's bike invisible as a safety measure but just one of these days... I'm probably just expecting imminent disaster. How often do you find that happening in... galges? Okay, except in School Days... but heroines in galges are better than reality any day.

...

Although I've told her not to try anything funny, she still seems to be pretty hyped up about something. For goodness sake, I can see it on her face. Reality, please do not give me anymore grief than I have. No more destruction, no more Hell food, no more embarrassing moments and just no more of her stupid nonsense that she hasn't unleashed yet which I don't want to know about. Ever since I've started this thing, I have a slowly piling up backlog. I pray that it won't get any bigger although I suspect that reality will once again do the opposite of what I ask. I'm really not looking forward to these stupid bicycle trips to and from her house... why can't she just live a little closer and make my life just that bit easier.

"Kami-nii-sama!" Elsie shouted right beside my ear rendering my senses to a state of intolerable vibrations.

"What? I can hear you without you shouting at me you know." I growled at her after recovering my senses sufficiently.

"Ehehe, sorry." she apologised in all her meek glory and then bounced straight back to her excited voice which fortunately, I was braced for this time, "I made some new friends today!"

"Oh really." I turned back to my PFP, attempting to tune out her blabbering.

"Yeah, you know Ayumi and the person who kindly read out that message for me." she ventured.

"How on earth did you get to the conclusion that she 'kindly' read it out for us. It was bloody embarrassing!"

How could she say that when she was embarrassed like that yesterday? That demon really doesn't know a thing does she?

"But that's what she said, she was only trying to do a favour..." Elsie said, trying to justify an action of someone who she'd just become friends with - probably this morning... which is now.

Argh, I can't bear this. I can't believe anyone could possibly be this gullible? And just how did that other person know that she was this gullible anyway? Actually, I guess it just really shows...

Oh well, back to my games. After all, I can't let that ridiculous backlog increase anymore. It's not like anything I do otherwise is going to make anything any better.

"Kami-nii-sama, I was thinking of cooking your bento tomorrow." I think ignoring her has just made me victim of something terrible. "After all, you need strength for this conquest." I looked around slowly to see that she was practically bursting with happiness, "I'll put all my heart into it!"

"Elsie, you don't need to. I'm happy with my usual servings of canteen lunch at the moment, it'll be to much trouble for you to go that length to cook for me." I tried to talk her out of it with the thoughtful consideration card...

"Of course it isn't too much trouble. It's the least I can do for you after all." she said.

...but it bloody well failed me. Not that I ever thought it was actually going to work. Elsie was a demon through and through as deceiving as first impressions and her apparent clumsiness would at first suggest.

"Right! It's homeroom now, get back to your seats!" Nikaido came in and shouted, saving me from having to continue that pointless conversation and carry on with my games. That teacher could be a saviour sometimes.

* * *

><p>A.N.N: When I think about it, it's not <em>that <em>annoying is it?


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